What is your problem in life is my question? You put up a picture saying ‘At the India Gate’. Arey, I am an Indian, you are an Indian…we know what India Gate is. What is the need in telling me that it is India Gate, tell me? Waste of photograph, waste of words, waste of time. Just like your Engineering only. Waste only no, after you did your MBA and now working in a petrol bunk in some USA. That is why I tell that people should have focus. Else they will climb lorries and work like coolies.

Ok, I know that in Engineering I pulled your leg and hand. But that doesn’t mean that you put up all these silly videos on my Wall, no? What is ‘look, I found you in this video’? Why is the surprise tone man. I should not be in any video or what? Only you should be in some MTV videos in some phoren land and I should be saying ‘ooo..see that dude…always dancing with white girls and all’ or what? It is ok man, I can also be in famous videos and I can also be in some famous pictures. I thought ok, I will forgive the surprise tone ok, let me check the video. Is this some kind of joke or what? I am nowhere in the video. You are blind is what I came to know. And now my laptop is throwing up all windows with pictures and videos which our elders will be ashamed of. Don’t know what is with you and this fascination for white and black women. Why can’t you select and send Indian women. You are spoilt in that Obama country I tell you. You remember our culture or no?

And why do you always like girls’ status message although some of them are extremely silly like ‘The air is fresh and clean’, ‘I feel alive’. Arey, if you feel dead, you won’t be able to facebook, no. She doesn’t know that or what? And you go and like that status. As if that is some great Nobel discovery. Just because she is single means, you go and like her status? She will not fall in love with you just because you liked her status ok? Did she ever like even one of your status? No, no. Then why everytime you jump and comment whenever she posts some random picture with her friends with comments like ‘you look gorgeous’, ‘you look very cute’ and all. Arey baba, give her roses, write her poems then she may like you. This facebook will not save your face or your heart, ok. And then, if your friend R, paapam, he is such an intelligent guy writes some profound or intelligent message, nobody likes the status. Nobody comments on it. Why? Just because he is a guy or what? I think even if R wins a Nobel prize and writes his status on facebook, he will get one like (from his mom) and one comment (from his sister). That is all. I know this facebook types. You have a 400 friends to simply show off. Nobody cares if you won a Nobel prize or a gully prize unless you are a girl who is single. Not one of this 400 friends will come to your rescue if you are just about to die. They will probably ask you to transfer your Farmville points to them. Friends it seems. Uh!

And one more thing. Why are you telling the entire world you were at Starbucks coffee in Rhode Island yesterday? We should all come and join you or what? I know man you want to show off that it is updating via your iPhone and all and you are having 5 dollar Starbucks coffee and all. But why should I know it? With 5 dollars, I can have a week’s lunch at my office here, you know. You are trying to show off that you are rich or what? Better coffee is available at Shree Ram Tea Stall near my office. 5 rupees only. Starbucks it seems, Starbucks. They are taking your bucks and becoming a star, that is what Starbucks means. Not some you are a star and all ok. Don’t be fooled, fool only you are.

And one last thing. What is this wife-husband love on my facebook wall? They don’t have their home or what? Their husband is orbiting some space station around Pluto or what? Kisses it seems, hugs it seems, lovely dinner it seems, wonderful starry night it seems. Arey baba, we are a 1.2 billion population country, no? We know all this starry night business and all. Their husbands check only facebook status updates and love their wives or what? I just don’t understand this. Now a new trend is starting. Kids pictures it seems. First the girl picture. Next the wife and husband picture. In a 1001 places around their street with lovely green and some violet background color. Our photo studio has better backgrounds than that. And now wife, husband and kids pictures it seems. Where will this end? If you keep on posting pictures like this, then facebook will go diwala only. That facebook guy will have to put towel on his face only if 1.2 billion people come to facebook and continue to put pictures like this. Arey last week some couple put a album of 250 pictures on facebook. Mad or what? They think they are some Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or what? And I see some 25 likes on it. How does everybody have so much time? Or are they liking it just so that it will be reciprocated when time comes? Why the public tamasha? And anniversaries it seems. Do they not end or what? Event after event after event after. As if their life is like some big fun festival they are feeling off. Not true, no?

Anyway, I have noticed that you have not poked me in a while. Facebook has taken that feature off or what? Thank god, else why should you poke anybody? I tell you, in India all this is serious legal and female trouble – this poking business. It is better you Unlike this poke if and when it comes by again. Ok now, bye then. Talk later. First orkut it seems, now facebook it seems. Day after my head bursts it seems. What only this age.

Madoff: You bloody brown fellow! How dare you steal thunder under/from me?

Raju: You racist cheater! How long do you want to be in the limelight? Forever?

Madoff: Why did they put you here after all? I mean, what greater crime did you commit than me?

Raju: I defrauded, actually made fun and fool of atleast a billion people into believing that I was building the next IT behemoth. What did you do?

Madoff: You are just talking about Indians and a bunch of Wall Street Americans who have invested in your ADRs. I have defrauded, again, made fun and fool of millions of people across continents – US, Europe, Asia to quote a few.

Raju: That is nothing! My company was one of the SWITCH of India (Satyam, Wipro, Infy, TCS, Cognizant and HCL). We were believed to take over the outsourcing world. Haha, I have left India Inc. with a WITCH now. That should settle it.

Madoff: Not so soon you brownie, although that’s an insult to the food item itself! I defrauded banks and other investors to the tune of $50 billion. What was the little amount that you cheated people with?

Raju: You can’t understand the Indian measuring system, do you, you imbecile?! I defrauded the investors with a much greater amount than you did. 8000 crore is the amount – translating to 80 billion – a much greater number than you.

Madoff: You moron, you can’t understand the simple conversion of Rupee to Dollar. How did you ever become the Chairman of a company?

Raju: You couldn’t pay up little money in a ponzi scheme. How come they made you NASDAQ chairman once? How come they all considered you to be one of the makers in Wall Street?

Madoff: That’s because I was cheating them for a little over 48 years dude and I became one of the most powerful people on Wallstreet! They had to watch their words very carefully. Between, how many years were you cheating a billion people, which I admit is quite a huge number?

Raju: Haha, thanks! Well, publicly, its been about 8 years but before that we hardly had any revenue to cheat. Between, I appreciate that you had the talent to cheat people for 48 years. Awesome!

Madoff: Now that we have mutual appreciation and admiration for each other, how did you get caught?

Raju: Well, I technically misstated the accounts, showing more revenue than what was coming in. You know, all that ‘doing business on a cost basis’ funda. However, I and my dear family members made a lot of money (wink, wink).

Madoff: And then?

Raju: Then, I had to cover the tracks of this cheating or give money to my sons in Maytas, I forget which. But all hell broke loose in the US simply because I was transferring 7000 crore of fictional money to my son’s company. And then, Merill Lynch pulled out citing some esoteric ‘material accounting irregularities’ which I never understood. I wrote a letter to my dear employees, who in fact, worked like dogs for me that I cheated them happily, actually, screwed them happily for close to 8 years. What happened in your case?

Madoff: Well, my conscience pricked. I confessed.

Raju: Haha, that’s a very good joke! I can’t stop laughing.

Madoff: Haha (high-five) The jury and the media couldn’t make this out at all (high-five). You are indeed very sharp.

Raju: Haha, thanks. What happened?

Madoff: Well, with this stupid sub-prime crisis, some morons in Europe asked for money which I didn’t have. And then, everything blew up.

Raju: Well, we both have one thing in common

Madoff: What is that?

Raju: We both had auditors who hadn’t done their homework or classwork.

Madoff: Bunch of idiots. What do they know anyway? Sarabanes-Oxley – WTF is that? Losers!

Raju: Haha, fun, fun, fun. Now, let’s just get a bail and get the hell out of here tomorrow.

Madoff: And cheat more people…hahahah!

Raju: (high-five) hahahah!

And so the saga ended. Madoff and Raju from a mode of one-upmanship had transformed into partners-for-the-next-fraud over a conversation in the jail.

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2009/01/08/one-upmanship-bernie-madoff-vs-ramalinga-raju/feed/ 1 http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/30/mumbai-terror-attack-opinions-galore/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/30/mumbai-terror-attack-opinions-galore/#comments Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:19:46 +0000 Kiran http://sarvamekam.wordpress.com/?p=153 1. Our dear President, Her Excellency Pratibha Patil Thursday strongly condemned the deadly terror attacks in Mumbai and asked people to maintain calm and cooperate with authorities. Why, even Shivraj Patil strongly condemned the terror attacks and let us know the all-important information that the terrorists chose a time and place where they could cause maximum damage to human life and property.

I salute both of them. Firstly, I thought terrorists create terror only in deserted lands and on the Moon. Secondly, Lashkar, Pakistan and the ISI would be frantically discussing among themselves as to how to deal with this strong condemnation, leading to eternal damnation.

2. Our beloved PM, Sri Sri Sri Un+Man+mohan Singh declared in his rabble-rousing, deeply inspiring that would have put the terrorists inside the Taj to sleep “The well-planned and well-orchestrated attacks, probably with external linkages, were intended to create a sense of panic, by choosing high profile targets and indiscriminately killing foreigners”. That was very insightful, wasn’t it? I mean ‘high profile targets’ (who would care about the common folk), ‘indiscriminately killing foreigners’ (I think you should teach them the ‘Theory of Discrimination’ from your Economics 101).

3. And then, R R Patil comes in and says “small incidents like this do happen in big cities”. Well, firstly, Karan Johar should sue him for stealing his line (bade bade sheroh mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai). Secondly, the NSG should have shot him and called it ‘terrorist fire’…no, wait. That would have resulted in Bharat Ratna for R R Patil. They should have just shot him and said ‘Oops!!’

4. I wonder where the Thackerays were in all this drama. I mean, this was their moment to sweep the polls. Hold a rally near the Taj and call the terrorists ‘Marathi Manoos’, which would have probably scared them away (calling the NSG commandos Marathi Manooses would have resulted in ‘Oops!!’ again). Raj, Udhav and the Big Bal (no pun intended) didn’t even come out with as much as a courageous statement as our ‘respected’ President like ‘strongly condemning the attacks’. I wonder why?!

5. The media was sharp, wasn’t it? I mean, 24×7 updates for 3 days. TRP ratings of all news channels would have gone through the roof. I think these guys would pay the terrorists to perform such activities once in a while – you know, just to push up TRP ratings and bring you ‘exclusive coverage’ from all 234 news channels. Then there was Barkha Dutt - flailing her arms more than a circus clown telling the whole world about her fantastic investigation skills which included how many NSG commandos had come in, where were they taking their positions etc. The terrorists wouldn’t dare watch the television, right? And then, there was our man of the moment, Rajdeep Sardesai asking some of the rescued hostages questions like ‘did you in your wildest dreams think you would face a terrorist?’ and ‘will you ever forget this experience, how does it feel?’. Well, insightful questions demand deeply philosophical answers. The answer to both the questions is ‘eff you’ (and show him the middle finger of both hands please!, just for clarity purposes).

6. The worst of the lot were the NSG commandos and the police. I mean what were they doing – they were  doing their mundane job of rescuing hostages and killing those terrorists without any gas masks, nor night-vision goggles nor proper intelligence, which somehow, somehow in all the political melee and fund distribution, the politicians forgot to buy. Heard of a term called ‘shopping disaster’. Could you guys be more moronic?

Now, for some straight talk.

Politicians – You either deliver on some measures or don’t give us trash talk. Tell the citizens that you are not capable of doing it. We will try out another bunch of jokers who we think they can.

Media – Ethics and Morality are out of the window for you guys, for no fault of yours really. I mean, with numerous 24×7 channels, some time back, you sensationalized two monkeys getting married in a remote village of Bihar. This attack was ‘your moment’.  The only way, I think is for the Government to draft some policy to limit the coverage in case of such events. Please, for god’s sake, don’t then cry for ‘Freedom of Press’.

NSG and Police – The nation salutes you for your brave and fantastic efforts. We only heard of the brave deeds you guys do in Kashmir and other insurgent places. Last week, we watched them live. There is nothing we can give that would justify your supreme sacrifice. I hope you guys do get gas masks and night-vision goggles to kick ass – in a better fashion and without loss of lives on our side.

Terrorists – Get the eff out of my country and keep off my favorite city. We will not break come what may. You guys can go to hell where there are 72 aliens looking to rape you guys in the worst way possible.

My earlier post when similar terrorist activity occurred in Hyderabad and Jaipur – little more analytical.

Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Kal kya hua maloom..
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:39 AM]:
kya hua re?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Homestead main party thi
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Andar jaate hee Manejaraan wanejaraan Hello Hai bole,

I didn’t get the drift yet…
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:39 AM]:
kyaa??

Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Party mein jaake, ab main naach ra toh saare pottiyaan mereko lipat jaati,..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Toh main aisa hallu se table baita,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
table pe baithe he Jolie aayi..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:40 AM]:
ab pooch Jolie kaun !!

My manager called me for some reason…so I had stepped out for about 5 minutes at this point…

Jayagopal, Harish [11:40 AM]:
kidhar mar gaya rey Iflaaz..

Ilflazz…I was LOL…and immediately got hooked up…

Dhanwada, Kiran [11:45 AM]:
kyaaaa baat kar raha hai be?

Jayagopal, Harish [11:45 AM]:
pooch Jolie kaun
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:45 AM]:
kaun Jolie re Harish?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
Tomb Raider yaaroon
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:46 AM]:
LOL

Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
aake.. Hi Harish.. where are you…how do u do.. now u do boli..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
do teen peg kya pee vee lee une “Harish, mereko long drive main jaana” boli
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
Abhi LA main kahan leke jaaton..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Santa Monika se Sunset Blvd,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Sunset blvd se Hollywood st.,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Aisa Broadway ke bajoo se nikal rahe the toh
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
“Harish mereko Shrimp hona..” boli,
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:47 AM]:
LOLLL…shrimp.?!
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Shrimp ke liye kidhar leke jaaton,..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
pooch kidhar…
Dhanwada, Kiran  [11:47 AM]:
kidhar re Harish?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
Bubba Gump yaaron
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
abaa…
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
Bair filhaal hum log baithe to 5 5 plate khaayi
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
paanch paanch?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
itte itte toh plateaan they yaaron
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
LOLL
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:49 AM]:
ah..uske baad?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:49 AM]:
kaafi der ho gayi… tum ghar jaao Jolie bola toh…
Jayagopal, Harish [11:49 AM]:
unho boli…Harish…Aisa kaise hota… uppar aao kuch baat karna boli
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
abaa…gaye tum?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
ab uppar jaa ke raat bhar kya kua poocho nakko..
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
neend kab khuli yaaron?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
subeh…
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
LOLL!!
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
hahahhhaaa
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
perfect!!
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:51 AM]:
you’ve mastered the art of Urdu-Hindi dialect.

For those who haven’t watched this movie, do watch it. It’s falling-off-the-chair-hilarious. The original scene relating to the IM conversation can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gM6QrKkMtk

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/02/the-angrez-on-im/feed/ 1 http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/10/21/festival-of-india/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/10/21/festival-of-india/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2008 04:35:43 +0000 Kiran http://sarvamekam.wordpress.com/?p=137

Last weekend, ‘Festival of India’ was conducted in our city. Now, ‘Festival of India’ in any city in the US necessarily attracts lots of food caterers first, along with the usual unnecessary audience which doesn’t make noise at an event. There were many interesting events, most of them with tiny-toddlers dancing away to glory while their parents were basking in reflected glory. There is indeed some magic in those little kids below the age of 6 not dancing, yet dancing (if you know what I mean!) – most of our group were spellbound by their charm and innocence. That, I must say, was the best part.

The second best part, was of course, the food – from chat to idli sambar, from rasmalai to falooda – we had it all. Not top-notch, but decent enough to carry the day.

The worst part (‘of course’ would be a cliché!), were the desi couples and the desi gang who congregated the place out of sheer boredom rather than to contribute anything significant – either in terms of performance or in terms of noise (which we specialized in).

Sample this conversation between the married guys -

Guy1: So, I took I-95 for about 70 miles and then hit the beltway, went round it and merged into 264. That took me about 90 minutes from X to Y.

Guy2: Ohh…that is a slightly longer route. What you should have done is taken Route 288 for about 40 miles, Exit 31B and then I-64 west. That way, you avoid the traffic and save about 15 minutes atleast.

Guy1: Ohh!!

(at this point, I am thinking…guys, get a life – buy a GPS)

The wife of Guy2 steps up to the challenge now

Wife of Guy2: You know Guy1, my husby is too good with all these routes. He remembers almost every exit and route we take – here or anywhere on a holiday. He just remembers every route. Call him up in case of any route discrepancies you may have.

Guy1: (doesn’t know whether to smile or cry) mumbles smthg to the extent of ‘Sure’

(I have already excused myself from the conversation, but couldn’t help laughing at first, Guy1′s expression, two, Guy2′s amazingly stupid memory capacity of seemingly nonsensical things and Guy2′s wife’s leadership initiative, propounding superiority! I don’t want to sound condescending…but then, can’t help but say – specimens, specimens!!!!)

Another excerpt conversation from friend of friends I overheard (with so much fun going around, you do want to overhear things and laugh about it very discreetly – that way, the cycle of fun grows exponentially)

The scene – The kid of A performed on stage. Kids being kids, always look cute on stage, irrespective of whether they dance or not. It is the parents who should be shot. Anyways, so, B walks in (enters the audi just then). B is a friend of A (or act as friends, you can never tell with these ladies). B suddenly realizes that A’s kid has finished his performance. She comes rushing towards A, with all the enthusiasm of a little gadfly – all buzz and no performance – ‘Ohh…your kid looked soo cute, no? Aiyyooo…what a performance, what a performance…you are very lucky I say’. I am totally stunned at the sudden turn of events (I, for all my innocence had thought that B was rushing towards A to apologize profusely for missing the event). My friend shakes me out of stupor and says ‘ye sab chalta hai, tension mat le’. As I pass out of the auditorium, I notice A and B hugging each other like best of friends, putting Caesar and Brutus to shame.

Such is life.

The question for the day is ‘What is common among all these pairs of terms, other than opposites?’

My answer would be ‘Morons who got their better halves into the same company, or even worse, same project as theirs – did they actually think it would turn out to be the positive opposite? Really? What were they thinking?’

For the sake of simplicity, I use the male pronoun herein. The following is equally applicable to the female pronoun too [If only defeating sexism were as simple as throwing in an occasional he/she, her or hers. Kindly don't look for sexism where none exists].

As has been the sad case over thousands of years now, people have been getting married. What is even more pathetic nowadays is that they are getting married to a person who is in the same profession! Even worse, same company and the most blinding wonder of wonders, same project. Seriously dude, what were you thinking? Has your IQ turned negative? Or, are you on a mission to reach unsurpassed stupidity? What exactly is your problem that you committed such a colossal blunder?

From an Indian perspective (and is equally applicable to almost all nations), the boom in IT industry has created major behemoths who employ close to a million people. This in turn has affected the marriage market in unimaginable proportions. Apart from creating various love-bird colonies in almost every campus, this IT boom has affected the arranged marriage market in a profound manner. A sample conversation between three parents -

Parent1: My daughter did her B.Com. She is now working in a call center

Parent2: Oh! B.Com aa…My son did his Engineering. Now he is in software. We are looking for a software girl who can understand his work too.

(software girl…wtf?!)

Parent3: True, just like platform-language compatibility, the kids should also be compatible in their own sectors…like software…hahahahh!

Parent1: Yes, yes…I am sending my daughter to computer coaching. She will also join a software company very soon…nowadays who wants to work in retail shop or manufacturing plant I say!

That being the case of parents, most of the marriages are happening between IT professionals. As far as I am concerned, since the majority market (and I use the term ‘market’ in the truest sense, no insult here!) is in IT now, I don’t see an issue why the couples shouldn’t be in the same profession. But imagine the conversations at home:

Guy: So, can we go to Gopal’s function now?

Girl: Ahh, I think I can’t make it…I have a problem with this Oracle database…can you help me out here?

Guy: Oh sure sweetheart! So, what exactly is the problem…is there a problem with the Extract process, the Transform process or the Load process!

Isn’t that sad to say the least?

What is even more depressing is if they are working for the same company. ‘Ahh, they go in the same car, they go-together, come to-gether – they save on petrol as well as they spend more time to-gether, how nice!’ and ‘Awww, chooo chweet, no?’ are statements we tend to hear. Firstly, No, it is not sweet…what’s more, the guy is probably going through the worst torture in his life. Don’t get me wrong here – I think a couple working in the same company is absolutely fantastic…as a concept. Practically, it would drive most guys insane.

When Einstein spoke about the infiniteness of human stupidity, I am sure he was referring to guys who have their spouses in the same project as theirs. Imagine a jail – same thing; in fact, even worse. Imagine a noose around you 24×7, office and home – like heaven and hell being one and the same. Absolutely no privacy, and every move being monitored, analyzed and feedback duly passed. The better thing to do here would be to choke themselves rather than get into this afflictment. As Shakespeare says in the Twelfth Night, ‘Observe these guys, for the love of mockery’. Actually, ‘whole-hearted sympathy; is the phrase to used for such people – I like their approach, but definitely would love to see their departure from my sight.

P.S: This blog’s topic was a random idea my supervisor had come up with. All credit to her

The most awaited movie of the year – Tashan got released. The metaphor in itself is probably the biggest awaited joke of the year. With the movie poster of Tashan looking eerily similar to Covenant, Yash Raj films indicated that this movie was not original even with the initial advertising. However, with the sole aim of watching Kareena Kapoor making a fool of herself, I watched the movie much to my bemusement and embarrassment. Terming the movie as a joke is an insult to the word ‘joke’. Attempting a Kill Bill+Ursula Andress in a bikini show, Kareena failed miserably and so did all the other co-stars (although some credit needs to go to Akshay Kumar). A shaven-bare-chested Anil Kapoor was probably the most shocking surprise of the movie – but his acting prowess (if I might call it that) has sunk from bad to worse with movies like ‘Race’ and ‘Tashan’. Spinning a yarn convincingly requires talent – and although I would accept that movies are no theorem-proof and are a mode of pure escapist entertainment, Tashan is exactly the sort of entertainment you want to escape from oh-so-desperately! A done-to-death childhood-friends-meeting-later concept and the seemingly meaningless run-around made ‘Race’ look much better in terms of quality and delivery. The prosperity of Yash Raj Films was due to their originality and dare – not cheap imitation, mimicry and mediocrity. Statutory Warning: Watching Tashan is injurious to health.

It was also a week where Sreesanth competed for ‘Award for the Biggest Sissie Drama of the Year’ and won it convincingly. A well-known dramatist-cum-patchy bowler to say the least (no, he still can’t compete with Ajit Agarkar for the Worst Bowler Award!! Ajit is miles ahead of him!) had a tete-a-tete with a bowler whose brains had been lent-on-lease indefinitely, with the result of a sweet punch on the jaw which resulted in Sreesanth bawling like…(no, let’s not insult kids like this!). With the way Indian cricket is played, don’t be surprised if you suddenly watch a soap called ‘Kyunki Sreesanth bhi kabhi Cricketer tha’! Sreesanth is the new gamma-male (alpha and beta are taken presumably!) representing India, a male who can cry on screen effortlessly and for no reason at all. He has probably opened up a whole new market for male actors who would also like to cry on screen. Soaps would be abound with the entire 138 members in a family which stays in one bungalow, dressed up in heavy bindis and kurtas sobbing and howling for 3 years straight. Sreesanth – you are just awesome; there will definitely be a role for you in each of these soaps where you can weep to your heart’s content and get paid for it.

And to round the two weeks off, this piece of news ticked me real bad. The summary of the article is that Singh has called for cut in corporate pay packets to eradicate poverty. Is this the same Singh that our economic textbooks extol of being the spearhead for liberalization in 1993? Is this the same Singh that called for extensive all inclusive-growth to eradicate poverty a while back? His call for “self-imposed ceiling on salaries and expenditure as a means to drive down demand and so ease pressure on supplies” is pure gibberish. Article after article in Markets/Economics/Finance demand that there be ‘incentives’ to growth, and here is our Prime Minister calling for a cut in incentives, thereby stunting growth inevitably. With rising prices of commodities every day across the world, a cut in incentives should have been least on Dr. Singh’s radar. Probably the functioning of Congress has got into the head of Dr. Singh – sadly, for a man I respected utmost, he has disappointed me terribly. Wretched is the situation for a man who was held in high-esteem for his forward-looking policies and global attitude to go on a pseudo-communist path – ah! It is such a shame!

Now that some of my guy friends have got married, I get a chance to meet them only with their wives (don’t ask me whether that’s fortunate or unfortunate), say for lunch/dinner at some restaurants. I tend to avoid meeting them if some other friend is not joining me; that is, I try as hard as I can to make the number of people at the table to be 4, rather than 3. Being human, I am incapacitated sometimes, and inspite of my best efforts, such hard work proves futile. I have to end up being the sole 3^rd member – which unfortunately at a lunch party sometime back I ended up being one, with a friend of mine (R) whom I have known for 7 years. They were married for a month now, and deciding to meet them as the 3^rd member was well…..Anyways, proceeding to the conversation:

The couple is referred to as ‘They’ (although… it was ‘she’ most of the time – typical family I guess – I have a saying, Two bodies, one voice – hers -> and this couple was a personification of that!)

Me: Heyyy, how are you guys doing?!

They: Very well, how are you?

Me: Am doing very good

Me: So, how was the honeymoon n all? And what is this small party ya?!

They: Honeymoon was fantastic…and dude, you didn’t come to the reception – it isn’t our problem exactly you know.

(and that’s probably the last time I heard the guy, my friend…really speak, except for a few nods and some ya’s here and there!)

Me: Haha…true! Caught up with some office work and blah and blah dude – typical stuff you know. Anyways, how was the wedding?

They (yeah…to be fair, it is just ‘she’ from now on): Ohh…wedding was fantastic…with all the jewelery and food and lots of relatives! You should have come – it was just awesome…it’s a incredible experience you know!

Me: (silently, nope…I don’t know) Jewelry, food and RELATIVES…dude, was it that good? (with a wink here!)

They: (she again…my friend has resigned himself to fate) – ohhh yeahh, 3 day function with Sangeet, dance n all…we have captured everything on the video, you gotta see it once!

Me: (whoaa! Save me O Lord! if you had know this, you surely wouldn’t have said that!) Sure thing…absolutely, I will make it to your house to watch the video as soon as I am vexed with my work (or rather life I should have said! )

They: Yeah, sure! That would be a good break…You know what, your friend S accompanied us to this trip to Essel World – he was great fun!

Me: Yeah…sounds great! What did you guys do?

They: Ohh..we boarded many rides…and we as a couple have photographs of almost every ride!

Me: Ohh, I see…so basically, S was your photographer! (added) heheh (so that they don’t feel bad!…and I was thinking I was the bigger fool…S…I tell ya!! )

They: Hahah! (and their smiles turned weird…and my friend got the hint…but too late, he was totally powerless in this slugfest)

Me: (Ah! She understood the sarcasm. Now, we can talk about American politics, Global warming and exhaust the remaining 30 min and then rush out of here!)

They (don’t you forget, its only ‘she’ – ‘They’ is just a misnomer): You know, your friend likes North Indian and Chinese a lot.

Me: Oh really! News to me…dude, I hope you haven’t changed suddenly (He was my friend for 7 years, it’s just been a month with you dear! Ah! I forget, wives are supposed to know more about their husbands than their husband’s long time friends! Apologies!)

They: Yeah! We have been to almost every Chinese and North Indian restaurant in the area – We are just learning cooking, you know!

Me: Hahah…yeah, I agree (and I stare at my friend – he is just giggling out of helplessness rather than anything else!)

They: And your friend is an avid orkutter, and he really likes the sitcom ‘Friends’

Me: Ohhh, really! R, you never told me that (and me winks again – and he is like, dekhlungaa betaa, tujhe dekhlungaa!)

They: And he really seems to know things about dresses – I mean, his selection of my sarees, and other dresses exactly matched my preferences!

Me: (Holy crap! Where is my dessert?!) Ohh, that’s fantastic! You guys are just made for each other from birth I guess.

They: (both giggle off to glory, their eyes locking with each other, seemingly lost in trance of the ethereal world)

Me: Er…umm! Sorry to disturb your privacy…but the bill has arrived (ufff!!)

They: You naughty!! (and R proceeds to pay the bill)

Me: Naughty?!! Wtf!!?

And then, I exit gracefully thanking the host and the hostess for a wonderful and fruitful time spent to-gether, knowing many things about my friend that I already knew and knowing some more things about him (like his silence, for one) that I never knew!

Aarrgghh!!

P.S: How easy it is to think ‘that poor R, he has got such a dominating wife?!’ – Nope, she was just too talkative, and compared to R…wayyy too talkative. And mind you, most of the couples I encounter nowadays are like this only (that is, ‘they’ and ‘she’ are interchangeable) (except for the fact that I ensure there is a 4th guy/girl around) – So, nope, all you couples out there – don’t you take a higher moral plane

Each photograph had a story. Even the very old faded ones, torn ones of the 1950s and 1960s had a story. These stories connected to another set of stories and and them to another and this whole series made for a very interesting conversation, and given the time, the discussions would go on for a long long time. Some of these photographs also had counter-stories – one uncle would have one story connected to one photograph and an aunt would have a conflicting story with the same photograph. And therein, ensues a debate which is even more fun and battle-lines are drawn for a discussion which could cover an entire evening. During the good ol’ days, a family photograph meant an event which covered the entire evening. We had to get dressed up very neatly, some elder would seek appointment with the photographer and we all went, the entire family walking down the street to the photographer’s shop. It was an event everyone looked forward to, a merry event – and considering the cameras of those days, you always had the photographer grumbling – aahh, little this side, little that side, don’t tilt your head to the left, lift your head up, ahh..smile and then a click. Everyone waited for three days for the photographer to deliver the photograph with bated breath and then would converge to discuss the pros and cons of the photograph, interspersed frequently by how bad the photography was and promises by anyone and everyone that the next photographer should be a better one.

I look at the recent photographs too – the ones before the digicams became widely prevalent and we all had to expend probably 250 bucks to get a film roll and then get it washed (as they used to call it). Every photograph taken was precious and there were very few and far in between. The ones of Intermediate and Engineering immediately come to mind – and even today, when friends meet up, the discussions about some of the photographs go on and on – from ‘how in the world did I wear such a dress for such an important occasion?’ to ‘how stupid was that’ – but more often than not, feel happy about some memories which remained.

In the current scenario, where everyone with a digital camera thinks himself as an expert in photography (not to mention his favorite hobby as photography), the value of photography probably might have gone up but the value attached to those photographs has drastically dwindled. An age where digicams are inexpensive, the photographs taken are reviewed immediately and the cost attached to each photograph is next to zero – the photographs in itself have lost most of their significance. The number of photographs taken has multiplied, while the importance of each photograph has probably been divided by infinity.

The number of photographs taken for any trip of 3 days is close to 400 (I along with my friends were guilty of this!). It goes into our hard drive after one, probably two looks and then….bham! I have no clue when we would open the folder containing these photographs again. 400 photographs – that probably would be the number of photographs taken in a marriage function in the old days – each photograph carefully treasured in an album, the album in itself covered in some cloth and each time the album was taken out, it was a moment of occasion, of stories and counter-stories again. Not so now. I am also saddened at the state of younger toddlers today. They would have no means to hear some stories and scenarios connected to their photographs – the number of photographs would have been so many in number, he would just see them as a movie – no narratives, no chronicles, plain old one threaded seamless movie (to quote an example again, my colleague has 200 photographs of his 2-week old daughter – I rest my case!). With handycams too within the reach of most of the population, the children of today needn’t even connect the digital photographs – it is in a movie format alright!!

Poor young toddlers of today – they would never know what value a half-torn photograph holds neither will they know how valuable a family photograph is. Probably, they don’t have time for all such things in this uber-competitive world….Really??

1) The past week has been a Nostalgia week. I accidentally happened to browse through my chat conversations on both yahoo and google. My, my – it was one emotional roller coaster. What started off as 5-10 refreshing exercise turned out to be an endeavor close to 3-4 hrs spread over couple of days! Conversations, letters – some which I read twice, maybe thrice and some which didn’t even matter; Photographs – some which I wanted to frame and keep them in my bedroom, and others which I despised; Letters – some so genuine that tears trickled down, some so sham and artificial, I wondered why I even had stored them. Some thoughts evoked a feeling of ‘The world seems to have drifted a thousand miles and left me alone’, while others ‘Mann! I couldn’t have said that’ types. As happens with nostalgia, you feel happy and sad at the same time – with some thoughts still active, others dormant and most of them dead.

2) I might not be qualified to say this – but I find some of the things newly-weds do absolutely hilarious. To the risk of sounding cynical- ‘Oh! We went out for dinner. It has been 3 weeks since we got married and we thought it was time for celebration’ – Some achievement, eh? Oh my God! Look, people said we couldn’t even get along for 3 days and now we have completed 3 weeks!! Bah! Another distinct feature of newly married couples – When they sit in a group, they slyly look at each other and smile, wink and to top it all, try to ensure that noone else in the group has noticed that! I mean c’mon – if you slyly look at each other for 30 min out of a 45 min gathering, others are bound to notice you guys. And We know what you guys are thinking and smiling about – we exactly aren’t products of immaculate conception, are we? So, how about some ‘actual’ social gathering rather than a ‘sly’ social gathering!

3) I haven’t been getting much time to read books lately – but I am stealing a read here and there. I would definitely recommend Khaled Hosseini’s ‘Kite Runner’ and ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ – both extremely well-written and gripping. Given the current state of Afghanistan, these two books give an excellent perspective of the state.

4) Some of the readers’s comments I received through my email – would like to put them here

a) ‘Why are majority of your short-stories based on this boy-girl theme? You write them well…so why can’t we have a diverse set of topics?’

My response: Well, probably it has to do with my age However, will definitely keep your comment in mind whenver I embark on a short-story.

b) ‘Can we have more posts like ‘State of Indian education system etc?’

My response: More such posts found on Desicritics.org. I write about generic topics on that site; I put in one or two such articles on this blog. I would definitely love your comments on that site too.