What is your problem in life is my question? You put up a picture saying ‘At the India Gate’. Arey, I am an Indian, you are an Indian…we know what India Gate is. What is the need in telling me that it is India Gate, tell me? Waste of photograph, waste of words, waste of time. Just like your Engineering only. Waste only no, after you did your MBA and now working in a petrol bunk in some USA. That is why I tell that people should have focus. Else they will climb lorries and work like coolies.

Ok, I know that in Engineering I pulled your leg and hand. But that doesn’t mean that you put up all these silly videos on my Wall, no? What is ‘look, I found you in this video’? Why is the surprise tone man. I should not be in any video or what? Only you should be in some MTV videos in some phoren land and I should be saying ‘ooo..see that dude…always dancing with white girls and all’ or what? It is ok man, I can also be in famous videos and I can also be in some famous pictures. I thought ok, I will forgive the surprise tone ok, let me check the video. Is this some kind of joke or what? I am nowhere in the video. You are blind is what I came to know. And now my laptop is throwing up all windows with pictures and videos which our elders will be ashamed of. Don’t know what is with you and this fascination for white and black women. Why can’t you select and send Indian women. You are spoilt in that Obama country I tell you. You remember our culture or no?

And why do you always like girls’ status message although some of them are extremely silly like ‘The air is fresh and clean’, ‘I feel alive’. Arey, if you feel dead, you won’t be able to facebook, no. She doesn’t know that or what? And you go and like that status. As if that is some great Nobel discovery. Just because she is single means, you go and like her status? She will not fall in love with you just because you liked her status ok? Did she ever like even one of your status? No, no. Then why everytime you jump and comment whenever she posts some random picture with her friends with comments like ‘you look gorgeous’, ‘you look very cute’ and all. Arey baba, give her roses, write her poems then she may like you. This facebook will not save your face or your heart, ok. And then, if your friend R, paapam, he is such an intelligent guy writes some profound or intelligent message, nobody likes the status. Nobody comments on it. Why? Just because he is a guy or what? I think even if R wins a Nobel prize and writes his status on facebook, he will get one like (from his mom) and one comment (from his sister). That is all. I know this facebook types. You have a 400 friends to simply show off. Nobody cares if you won a Nobel prize or a gully prize unless you are a girl who is single. Not one of this 400 friends will come to your rescue if you are just about to die. They will probably ask you to transfer your Farmville points to them. Friends it seems. Uh!

And one more thing. Why are you telling the entire world you were at Starbucks coffee in Rhode Island yesterday? We should all come and join you or what? I know man you want to show off that it is updating via your iPhone and all and you are having 5 dollar Starbucks coffee and all. But why should I know it? With 5 dollars, I can have a week’s lunch at my office here, you know. You are trying to show off that you are rich or what? Better coffee is available at Shree Ram Tea Stall near my office. 5 rupees only. Starbucks it seems, Starbucks. They are taking your bucks and becoming a star, that is what Starbucks means. Not some you are a star and all ok. Don’t be fooled, fool only you are.

And one last thing. What is this wife-husband love on my facebook wall? They don’t have their home or what? Their husband is orbiting some space station around Pluto or what? Kisses it seems, hugs it seems, lovely dinner it seems, wonderful starry night it seems. Arey baba, we are a 1.2 billion population country, no? We know all this starry night business and all. Their husbands check only facebook status updates and love their wives or what? I just don’t understand this. Now a new trend is starting. Kids pictures it seems. First the girl picture. Next the wife and husband picture. In a 1001 places around their street with lovely green and some violet background color. Our photo studio has better backgrounds than that. And now wife, husband and kids pictures it seems. Where will this end? If you keep on posting pictures like this, then facebook will go diwala only. That facebook guy will have to put towel on his face only if 1.2 billion people come to facebook and continue to put pictures like this. Arey last week some couple put a album of 250 pictures on facebook. Mad or what? They think they are some Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or what? And I see some 25 likes on it. How does everybody have so much time? Or are they liking it just so that it will be reciprocated when time comes? Why the public tamasha? And anniversaries it seems. Do they not end or what? Event after event after event after. As if their life is like some big fun festival they are feeling off. Not true, no?

Anyway, I have noticed that you have not poked me in a while. Facebook has taken that feature off or what? Thank god, else why should you poke anybody? I tell you, in India all this is serious legal and female trouble – this poking business. It is better you Unlike this poke if and when it comes by again. Ok now, bye then. Talk later. First orkut it seems, now facebook it seems. Day after my head bursts it seems. What only this age.

Whom are we talking about in the following sentence? – “There was no one like him, is no one like him, and will never be anyone like him”

If your answer was Don Bradman, Sachin Tendulkar or even Rajnikanth, you couldn’t be more farther from the truth. The answer is Kumar Sri Sri.

Kumar Sri Sri, who – you ask? He is the Revolutionary Leader of Lovers. Yes. You read that right. A self-acclaimed Revolutionary Leader of Lovers. It’s a fact. Here’s a website to prove the fact.

Apart from being a Revolutionary Leader, he is also the President of the Indian Lovers Party. Again, the website link to substantiate the fact.

Who cares? We all should care and here’s why -

1)      Here’s a leader who publicly declares that his party was not set up to mint money (which other party, national/regional can publicly declare such an avant-garde manifesto). Instead, its objective is to heal the wounds inflicted in the hearts of lovers by society (unlike the evil Shri Ram Sene/RSS etc). A unique positioning in the annals of Indian politics.

2)      Here’s a leader who has an entire portfolio of himself on the website. A portfolio which needs to be immediately looked at by the likes of Santosh Sivan and Gautam Rajyadaksha for their next casting in their subsequent big budget blockbuster. Which other political party/leader in India, nay, the World has given such a comprehensive overview of how they look in each photo studio backdrop? None. Zilch. Nada.

3)      We have all heard of Obama’s ‘We are not Blue America or Red America, but we are the United States of America’ statement. That crying call pales in comparison to the Indian Lovers Party’s core mission statement ‘All the lovers of the World Unite’. Look at the Revolutionary leader’s global outlook. Not just India. Not just US. He is pleading through his immaculate communication skills about the welfare of all the lovers in the World. One word. Terrific. He had to be at Davos, I say!

4)      What’s with Sri Sri at the end and not the beginning like many others, you ask? Remember this always – a vision of any great leader depends on differentiation from the crowd. However, he is modest enough to admit ‘I attribute my turnaround to two syllables ‘Sri Sri’ tagged to my name after consulting a numerologist’. Modesty and Numerology are indeed two hallmarks of a revolutionary leader.

5)      His analytical ability to dissect complex situations comes to the fore through this statement of his – ‘I ask lovers who come to me to submit their voter IDs and parents’ numbers. I verify their identity, age and single status. This way, I make sure they’re not eloping with someone else’s wife! I want to be associated with decent affairs and not extra-marital affairs. I only entertain correct love, true love. Not time-pass lovers!’ A gem of a strategy indeed.

6)      The Revolutionary Leader of all lovers has exhorted a 10-point programme aimed at 30 crore lovers in India. How 30 crores? You, as a mere mortal, might be wondering about the complex methodology he used to come up with this figure when all other advanced analytics have failed? However, just like Warren Buffett’s analysis or Virender Sehwag’s technique, the answer is deceptively simple. He says ‘There are 128 crore people in India. Of these, 30 crore will be lovers, that’s confirmed. If you lined up a minimum of 10 people, atleast 3 of them would have love marriages’. The math doesn’t add up but we should not let such small details get in the way of a grand vision for 30 crore people, whoever they might be. AC Nielsen and Indian Statistical Institute need to hang their heads in shame to have ignored such a simple, yet effective calculation for our Census. Instead, we waste millions of rupees.

7)      We have all heard about Rs. 300 million spent on re-designing the Airtel logo. Each one of us wonders about the effectiveness of such a poor logo after spending such kind of money. However, the Indian Lovers Party, without spending those millions has come up with a logo which accurately portrays what it stands for. The logo is embellished with the symbol of a heart pierced by an arrow, with the greatest symbol of love, The Taj Mahal at the center. Shah Jahan might be wincing and flipping in his grave for such usage, but Kumar Sri Sri is not one to back off. To the left of the logo, the party initials ‘ILP’ are imprinted.That’s a logo (and the flag) which no one dare replicate. That’s an unconquerable branding exercise.

8)      Every Indian voter asks himself before he/she votes ‘Is this leader broad-minded?’ When it comes to Kumar Sri Sri (the Revolutionary leader, in case you already forgot), the answer is self-evident. Peruse this answer when asked about a question on same-sex marriage ‘People must have the right to choose their partners – even if it is of the same gender. If any such couple does approach us, we will decide as per the specifics of the case’. Even California (the champion state of same-sex marriages) did not have such a charismatic leader. Instead, they got Arnold Schwarzenegger. Take a moment. Breathe. We have such a broad-minded leader in our midst. Yes. It is true.

9)      We have all heard of Global Warming, and how it affects each one of us. We have had pseudo-luminaries like Al Gore preaching to us on the effects of global warming, yet spend a tremendous amount of energy at his home. But not our Revolutionary Leader Kumar Sri Sri, who walks the talk (Always! Never be in doubt). He thunders at every meeting ‘To prevent global warming and its ill-effects, lovers and couples are encouraged by the party to plant saplings and trees’. Times of India, surprisingly, have used this innovative concept of planting saplings to come up with, what I consider one of the best pick-up lines ever ‘Come, Comrade, Let’s do something for Global Warming’. Heh! What humor great leader visions generate.

In this age and era of A Raja’s politics and Manmohan Singh’s able leadership, in a India with numerous castes and innumerable sects, we have in our midst a leader who cuts through the fog with a clarity like no other, a leader who can differentiate himself and integrate one another, a visionary leader with an infinite broad-minded behavior – India, our Leader, nay, Our Revolutionary Leader has arrived. Yes, He Truly Can!

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2011/02/22/indian-lovers-party-its-revolutionary/feed/ 3 http://kirandhanwada.com/2010/12/08/deepak-chopra-%e2%80%93-interpreted/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2010/12/08/deepak-chopra-%e2%80%93-interpreted/#comments Wed, 08 Dec 2010 12:34:54 +0000 Kiran http://kirandhanwada.com/?p=483 Deepak Chopra is supposedly one of the leading Indian Gurus in Spiritualism. In this blogpost, I try to interpret some of his twitter messages (interested folks can follow him @deepakchopra on twitter). These tweets (in italics) were tweeted between November and December this year.

1) Everyday reality is a waking dream where you project yourself as observer and observed, dreamer and dream.

I project myself. Hmm. Interesting. How exactly? Everyday that is. Hmm. Am I crazy? I am not, right? Oh – this is a dream alright. The world has not ended. Promotion for ‘Inception’ maybe?

2) You are neither dreamer nor dream but the infinite consciousness in which the universe arises and subsides

This is taking one notch up. One statement earlier, he said we are both the dreamer and the dream. Now, he says we are neither. Even Einstein couldn’t be as clear, could he? Wonderful. We are the infinite consciousness. And what’s more – we are not static, we arise and subside, just like Barkha Dutt’s stance on transparency and integrity. Absolutely stunning and an astute observation.

3) Since the end of the Cold War, the world has spent more than $ 10 trillion on armaments. Can we cure this madness?

Ohh…so this dude is not just after your consciousness. He is out to get the military industrial complex. Global thinking. Strategic thought. We are just mere mortals when you realize that you haven’t have had this thought for a billion years now. Oh my – armaments, madness – who would have thought?

4) Today tell yourself: Let me be loved, let me be happy, let me be peaceful.

I keep telling myself Deepak. Trust me. I do this ritual daily. But Katrina Kaif isn’t listening. You need to speak to her about my ritual and your wisdom and how they both arise and subside in confluence.

5) Tell yourself today: I am a unique part of the cosmic plan. I am needed in the universe.

Unique part in the cosmic plan. Hmm. I don’t even think I have a unique role in my organization and you are talking about a cosmic plan, the blueprint of which nobody has seen till date. I am not too sure God agrees with my importance in the universe Deepak. In fact, I think He is drawing up a plan for downsizing due to redundancy in the universe. Not too sure. Why don’t you check again?

6) What is that which cannot be seen but without which seeing is impossible, cannot be imagined but without which imagination is impossible?

I don’t know Deepak. Tough riddle. I am inclined towards ‘Stupidity’ as an answer but ‘Crazy’, ‘Mentally imbalanced’ also might be the answer. Tough one Deepak – you need to be the editor of the NY Times puzzle section. You’d be real good at it.

7) In our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.

Wait a minute – How can I give which I seek? ‘Abundance of universe circulating in my life’ – you lost me at abundance. What exactly do you mean here? I mean, in one word – like money, love, sex etc. Just one word would suffice.

Any name or label you identify yourself with is false. The real you is unbounded and nameless. Beyond all labels.

And imagine the stupidity of parents worldwide, while they search in quest of a unique name for their newly born son/daughter. Ahh, their ignorance. I am beyond a label – wow. How liberating. So, I can be anyone – like Eric Clapton/Michael Jackson or god forbid, Justin Beiber? Really?

9) Through the flow of energy & information we regulate each other’s body-mind. Lets use twitter for planetary healing.

Our brain,emotions,endocrine autonomic systems &relationships are integrated Right now we are regulating each other’s biology on twitter !

Ok, this dude is pretty much nuts. Flow of energy through twitter is very ridiculous. I would accept Flow of energy through unknown asteroids in the universe, but not through twitter. And dude, stay away from my biology – have you no shame?

10) Death is our creative opportunity to recreate ourselves into new contexts, meanings & relationships .If you screwed up no worries.

Death is a creative opportunity. Hmm. Come again – what was that? Creative opportunity…hmm. Interesting. Opportunity, as I know it, gives you a chance to do something. What chance does death give? I fail to understand. I probably need to reach a higher consciousness state to decrypt the inner meaning. Alternatively, I could also join Alibagh Mental Asylum to get an answer. As the quote goes, mental illness also is a creative opportunity.

11) Every object is the universe localized. Every object is the universe localized , every mind is all minds with a unique perspective. We are all the total universe looking at itself.

Wait, you mean we are not at a global optima but are at a local optima? How can that be? We are the universe, remember. How can I, the universe be a local optima? This is an outrageous and a conflicted philosophy.

12) The one you’re looking for is the one who is looking.

No shit Sherlock. No really. Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who is the biggest Mr.Obvious of them all?

13) Landed in Delhi . The smells of India and so much nostalgia! Although I’m in Delhi, I long for Delhi.

Ahh, finally a quote which I can understand. No, wait. How can you be at a particular city and still long for the city? In your language, when your body, mind and soul are in that particular city. Which particular frigging longingness is this?

14) When you know what is happening at your very core, what you have to give becomes limitless.

Since this is a free-for-all-blog and not just restricted to Parental Guidance and 18+, I shall refrain from commenting on this tweet. It is just obnoxious.

15) To be overwhelmed by the mystery of our existence is the taste of spirit .

Finally, I mean finally, you have solved the reason behind my existence. Spirit – that’s what it is. Taste of spirit, much like taste of a alcoholic beverage, I think. However, I am not in the least, overwhelmed by any taste of spirit Deepak. Please clarify.

16) A lifetime is like a flash of lightening in the sky, rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain, like a dew drop on a trembling leaf.

He moves into a Robert Frost/Ernest Hemingway category with this tweet. Adjectives, Connotations and the full army. A lifetime indeed is a flash. Tweets like these reduce the half-life of the flash. Thank you. And please don’t come again.

Most of us in the corporate world must have gone through an appraisal cycle. We all know how frustrating it can be when someone tells us ‘to be more proactive’, ‘to take ownership’ and some such. I have tried to combine these jargons used during the appraisal with my elementary movie making ability in this video. I could not find an exact corporate setting (and characters) in Xtranormal. This was the best one I could get. Let me know how this went (and how I could improve).

Sample this:  Sharad Pawar says free gains not feasible

On the face of it, the argument seems to make sense. There is no free lunch et cetera et cetera. We have a situation where some sections of the society are going hungry in many states, food inflation is a frikking 19% and yet the Food Corporation of India (FCI) has found a way to rot quintals and quintals of food grains – rice, wheat etc. Shortage of food obviously then, is a created circumstance to benefit a few. Supreme Court, in its little wisdom ordered that these rotting food grains, instead of being distributed among algae and rodents be distributed among the poor and needy people. But nope. Nada. Sharad Pawar in his Caesar-esque style declared –  I heard, I will not listen,  I will let it rot.

So much for increasing Members of Parliaments’ pay by 300%. Performance-based pay has acquired a new meaning. The definition of CTC, Cost to Country in this case (instead of Cost to Company as is the usual parlance) has gone up by a notch.

2) We have all read that all star players are slowly withdrawing from the Commonwealth Games (CWG) (Bolt, Powell among a lot of them). We might get to a day when the only player left in CWG is Suresh Kalmadi. After tonnes of money down the drain, we will spend even more to resurrect the situation and make the Games a success for ‘national pride’ (never understood the term).  And of course, after Sonia Gandhiji has declared “Corrupt will be punished after Commonwealth Games” (emphasis: ‘after’ – which is of course, in the near future, during my great grandson’s generation), I have nothing to fear.  What I do want to bring to your notice is this bit of travel advice on the CWG website:

A peck on the cheek while greeting a female acquaintance is “just not done” when you are in India. Sole exception: Only if the acquaintance is a model or a beauty queen. Tourists should, however, discuss politics. Most Indians love to talk politics and ‘have an opinion on which they will not mind being contradicted’. But equally, visitors should avoid discussing religion.

True. I wonder if former beauty queens are ok? Oh, you mean Amitabh Bachchan is your Chief Guest? Never mind then. And how do you discuss politics without discussing religion? That’s probably one of the chief conundrums that CWG audience have to solve for an audience prize.  To me, BJP will always be associated with Godhra, Congress with Sikh riots, MNS with non-Maharashtrian bashers, Shiv Sena with its anti-muslim agenda and so on and so forth. Maybe Kalmadi can explain. Or maybe Sonia. Even better, a joint press conference with Amitabh Bachchan, no?

3) Never understood these sentences ‘I can feel your grief’, ‘I dedicate this win to the people affected by XYZ’, ‘The agenda is to have all systems in place for success’ etc etc. among a million others.

4)  I have posted these links of FB. For those of you not yet on my FB list, here are two hilarious videos. Bhangra 101 -

- How to learn Punjabi dance (NOT!) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irQ2zANorxQ

- What not to do when you become a CEO (extremely instructional) -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvsboPUjrGc

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2010/08/23/random-rant-about-pawar-and-cwg/feed/ 1 http://kirandhanwada.com/2009/10/14/the-world-of-jargonia-redux/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2009/10/14/the-world-of-jargonia-redux/#comments Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:09:39 +0000 Kiran http://kirandhanwada.com/?p=350 My earlier post on Jargons

It is about time I update my list of jargons. I mean, its been 2 long years in the corporate world since the last jargon-ic blogpost, and you can be dead sure I have been inundated with jargons in this time. In this blogpost, I present my humble view on what I think of the jargons I came across which left me ‘humbled’ (I digress, but is there a word in the English language called ‘humbled’? Every uncle and his son have been using this recklessly)

a) At the End of the Day

Yep, at the end of the day, we all die. That’s the ultimate truth. The corporate world, however, seems to think it has a different meaning for it – it means close of business on that particular day – it doesn’t matter if your day ends at 11PM in the night. ‘I want the report at the end of the day’ also can be construed as ‘I want the report on my desk tomorrow morning and I don’t care if you die or if you have a life apart from work’.

b) Take ownership

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard this phrase. ‘Take ownership’ means different things to different people, which essentially boils down to no one really understands what the phrase means. Yet, it is used as frequently as Ajit Agarkar got out on a duck.

c) If you have some extra bandwidth

Dude, first thing, I am not a fiber optic cable. Criss-crossing electrical terms with my capacity to do work is insane, if not downright stupid. And no, I don’t have extra bandwidth. I never will have.

d) Take a stab

This one took me by surprise initially. I didn’t understand what it meant. ‘Stab’ as my basic English goes is a knife down someone’s body. Why would anyone want to take a stab? Eventually, I understood it to mean ‘I can try to understand/do etc’ How in the world is a crime matched up with doing something?

e) Apples to Apples

What? What again? Apples to Apples, Oranges to Mangoes? The English language has provided for multiple terms like ‘similar’, ‘same’, ‘congruent’ etc. Why would you want to force-fit visualization to something very simple? Beats me.

f) Let’s not reinvent the wheel

Oh, we can reinvent radio? TV? No? Ohh..you mean, let’s not reinvent the basic stuff? Why can’t you say it in so many words? The first time I heard this phrase, it took me a while to understand the phrase and secondly to understand why this phrase was used at all?

g) It is what it is

What the eff do you mean by that? It is…what it is. True. It can’t be something else. How can it be? What are you even trying to say? Random phrase with an iota of English and lots of garbage.

h) Déjà vu all over again

Ever heard of Pleonasm? Tautology? Ok, atleast ‘Redundant’? Just say ‘Déjà vu’ and shut up. What’s with ‘Déjà vu’ and ‘all over again’? That tells me that your understanding of the term ‘Déjà vu’ is either defunct or non-existent.

i) Net Net

 What’s with this Net Net? You mean, the net result, right? Only one ‘net’ is enough, no? Either you are from the 29^th century or I am from the 20^th century. Only one of those can be true.

j) Let’s take a 25000 foot view

Why not 50000? 5000? Is the distance directly proportional to the height of the corporate chain you are at? Is it inversely proportional to your IQ? Maybe. Or maybe you like aeroplanes, I don’t know.

k) Low hanging fruit

What’s with these fruits in the corporate language? Apples, Oranges, low hanging fruits? Some mystery here. Dan Brown might be interested.

And now for the grand sentence,

At the end of the day, if you have some extra bandwidth, can you take ownership of X and take a stab at solving Y. Let’s not go for the low hanging fruit here, but instead take a 25000 foot view and not reinvent the wheel. Net net, we should be able to compare apples to apples, else it would be déjà vu all over again. It is what it is, you know!

Makes perfect sense, no?

Madoff: You bloody brown fellow! How dare you steal thunder under/from me?

Raju: You racist cheater! How long do you want to be in the limelight? Forever?

Madoff: Why did they put you here after all? I mean, what greater crime did you commit than me?

Raju: I defrauded, actually made fun and fool of atleast a billion people into believing that I was building the next IT behemoth. What did you do?

Madoff: You are just talking about Indians and a bunch of Wall Street Americans who have invested in your ADRs. I have defrauded, again, made fun and fool of millions of people across continents – US, Europe, Asia to quote a few.

Raju: That is nothing! My company was one of the SWITCH of India (Satyam, Wipro, Infy, TCS, Cognizant and HCL). We were believed to take over the outsourcing world. Haha, I have left India Inc. with a WITCH now. That should settle it.

Madoff: Not so soon you brownie, although that’s an insult to the food item itself! I defrauded banks and other investors to the tune of $50 billion. What was the little amount that you cheated people with?

Raju: You can’t understand the Indian measuring system, do you, you imbecile?! I defrauded the investors with a much greater amount than you did. 8000 crore is the amount – translating to 80 billion – a much greater number than you.

Madoff: You moron, you can’t understand the simple conversion of Rupee to Dollar. How did you ever become the Chairman of a company?

Raju: You couldn’t pay up little money in a ponzi scheme. How come they made you NASDAQ chairman once? How come they all considered you to be one of the makers in Wall Street?

Madoff: That’s because I was cheating them for a little over 48 years dude and I became one of the most powerful people on Wallstreet! They had to watch their words very carefully. Between, how many years were you cheating a billion people, which I admit is quite a huge number?

Raju: Haha, thanks! Well, publicly, its been about 8 years but before that we hardly had any revenue to cheat. Between, I appreciate that you had the talent to cheat people for 48 years. Awesome!

Madoff: Now that we have mutual appreciation and admiration for each other, how did you get caught?

Raju: Well, I technically misstated the accounts, showing more revenue than what was coming in. You know, all that ‘doing business on a cost basis’ funda. However, I and my dear family members made a lot of money (wink, wink).

Madoff: And then?

Raju: Then, I had to cover the tracks of this cheating or give money to my sons in Maytas, I forget which. But all hell broke loose in the US simply because I was transferring 7000 crore of fictional money to my son’s company. And then, Merill Lynch pulled out citing some esoteric ‘material accounting irregularities’ which I never understood. I wrote a letter to my dear employees, who in fact, worked like dogs for me that I cheated them happily, actually, screwed them happily for close to 8 years. What happened in your case?

Madoff: Well, my conscience pricked. I confessed.

Raju: Haha, that’s a very good joke! I can’t stop laughing.

Madoff: Haha (high-five) The jury and the media couldn’t make this out at all (high-five). You are indeed very sharp.

Raju: Haha, thanks. What happened?

Madoff: Well, with this stupid sub-prime crisis, some morons in Europe asked for money which I didn’t have. And then, everything blew up.

Raju: Well, we both have one thing in common

Madoff: What is that?

Raju: We both had auditors who hadn’t done their homework or classwork.

Madoff: Bunch of idiots. What do they know anyway? Sarabanes-Oxley – WTF is that? Losers!

Raju: Haha, fun, fun, fun. Now, let’s just get a bail and get the hell out of here tomorrow.

Madoff: And cheat more people…hahahah!

Raju: (high-five) hahahah!

And so the saga ended. Madoff and Raju from a mode of one-upmanship had transformed into partners-for-the-next-fraud over a conversation in the jail.

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2009/01/08/one-upmanship-bernie-madoff-vs-ramalinga-raju/feed/ 1 http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/02/the-angrez-on-im/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/02/the-angrez-on-im/#comments Sun, 02 Nov 2008 18:11:55 +0000 Kiran http://sarvamekam.wordpress.com/?p=145 Of all the multiple conversations on IM that I was a part of in the office till date, this conversation takes the cake. One of my very good friend, Harish was working from California on this particular day. The background essentially is that we both love the movie ‘The Angrez’ – a movie based on hyderabadi-hindi-urdu dialect. The following conversation is based on one of the scenes in the movie – it was spontaneous and hence even more hilarious. [Conversation copied verbatim]

Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Kal kya hua maloom..
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:39 AM]:
kya hua re?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Homestead main party thi
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Andar jaate hee Manejaraan wanejaraan Hello Hai bole,

I didn’t get the drift yet…
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:39 AM]:
kyaa??

Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Party mein jaake, ab main naach ra toh saare pottiyaan mereko lipat jaati,..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
Toh main aisa hallu se table baita,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:39 AM]:
table pe baithe he Jolie aayi..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:40 AM]:
ab pooch Jolie kaun !!

My manager called me for some reason…so I had stepped out for about 5 minutes at this point…

Jayagopal, Harish [11:40 AM]:
kidhar mar gaya rey Iflaaz..

Ilflazz…I was LOL…and immediately got hooked up…

Dhanwada, Kiran [11:45 AM]:
kyaaaa baat kar raha hai be?

Jayagopal, Harish [11:45 AM]:
pooch Jolie kaun
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:45 AM]:
kaun Jolie re Harish?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
Tomb Raider yaaroon
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:46 AM]:
LOL

Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
aake.. Hi Harish.. where are you…how do u do.. now u do boli..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
do teen peg kya pee vee lee une “Harish, mereko long drive main jaana” boli
Jayagopal, Harish [11:46 AM]:
Abhi LA main kahan leke jaaton..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Santa Monika se Sunset Blvd,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Sunset blvd se Hollywood st.,
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Aisa Broadway ke bajoo se nikal rahe the toh
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
“Harish mereko Shrimp hona..” boli,
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:47 AM]:
LOLLL…shrimp.?!
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
Shrimp ke liye kidhar leke jaaton,..
Jayagopal, Harish [11:47 AM]:
pooch kidhar…
Dhanwada, Kiran  [11:47 AM]:
kidhar re Harish?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
Bubba Gump yaaron
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
abaa…
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
Bair filhaal hum log baithe to 5 5 plate khaayi
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
paanch paanch?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:48 AM]:
itte itte toh plateaan they yaaron
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:48 AM]:
LOLL
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:49 AM]:
ah..uske baad?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:49 AM]:
kaafi der ho gayi… tum ghar jaao Jolie bola toh…
Jayagopal, Harish [11:49 AM]:
unho boli…Harish…Aisa kaise hota… uppar aao kuch baat karna boli
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
abaa…gaye tum?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
ab uppar jaa ke raat bhar kya kua poocho nakko..
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
neend kab khuli yaaron?
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
subeh…
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
LOLL!!
Jayagopal, Harish [11:50 AM]:
hahahhhaaa
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:50 AM]:
perfect!!
Dhanwada, Kiran [11:51 AM]:
you’ve mastered the art of Urdu-Hindi dialect.

For those who haven’t watched this movie, do watch it. It’s falling-off-the-chair-hilarious. The original scene relating to the IM conversation can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gM6QrKkMtk

]]> http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/11/02/the-angrez-on-im/feed/ 1 http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/10/21/festival-of-india/ http://kirandhanwada.com/2008/10/21/festival-of-india/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2008 04:35:43 +0000 Kiran http://sarvamekam.wordpress.com/?p=137

Last weekend, ‘Festival of India’ was conducted in our city. Now, ‘Festival of India’ in any city in the US necessarily attracts lots of food caterers first, along with the usual unnecessary audience which doesn’t make noise at an event. There were many interesting events, most of them with tiny-toddlers dancing away to glory while their parents were basking in reflected glory. There is indeed some magic in those little kids below the age of 6 not dancing, yet dancing (if you know what I mean!) – most of our group were spellbound by their charm and innocence. That, I must say, was the best part.

The second best part, was of course, the food – from chat to idli sambar, from rasmalai to falooda – we had it all. Not top-notch, but decent enough to carry the day.

The worst part (‘of course’ would be a cliché!), were the desi couples and the desi gang who congregated the place out of sheer boredom rather than to contribute anything significant – either in terms of performance or in terms of noise (which we specialized in).

Sample this conversation between the married guys -

Guy1: So, I took I-95 for about 70 miles and then hit the beltway, went round it and merged into 264. That took me about 90 minutes from X to Y.

Guy2: Ohh…that is a slightly longer route. What you should have done is taken Route 288 for about 40 miles, Exit 31B and then I-64 west. That way, you avoid the traffic and save about 15 minutes atleast.

Guy1: Ohh!!

(at this point, I am thinking…guys, get a life – buy a GPS)

The wife of Guy2 steps up to the challenge now

Wife of Guy2: You know Guy1, my husby is too good with all these routes. He remembers almost every exit and route we take – here or anywhere on a holiday. He just remembers every route. Call him up in case of any route discrepancies you may have.

Guy1: (doesn’t know whether to smile or cry) mumbles smthg to the extent of ‘Sure’

(I have already excused myself from the conversation, but couldn’t help laughing at first, Guy1′s expression, two, Guy2′s amazingly stupid memory capacity of seemingly nonsensical things and Guy2′s wife’s leadership initiative, propounding superiority! I don’t want to sound condescending…but then, can’t help but say – specimens, specimens!!!!)

Another excerpt conversation from friend of friends I overheard (with so much fun going around, you do want to overhear things and laugh about it very discreetly – that way, the cycle of fun grows exponentially)

The scene – The kid of A performed on stage. Kids being kids, always look cute on stage, irrespective of whether they dance or not. It is the parents who should be shot. Anyways, so, B walks in (enters the audi just then). B is a friend of A (or act as friends, you can never tell with these ladies). B suddenly realizes that A’s kid has finished his performance. She comes rushing towards A, with all the enthusiasm of a little gadfly – all buzz and no performance – ‘Ohh…your kid looked soo cute, no? Aiyyooo…what a performance, what a performance…you are very lucky I say’. I am totally stunned at the sudden turn of events (I, for all my innocence had thought that B was rushing towards A to apologize profusely for missing the event). My friend shakes me out of stupor and says ‘ye sab chalta hai, tension mat le’. As I pass out of the auditorium, I notice A and B hugging each other like best of friends, putting Caesar and Brutus to shame.

Such is life.

That brings me to write about a topic which I am quite familiar with – talking about the ‘in’ things. In other words, I would be expounding on some of the fads (fashion for the ‘poignant’ folks) that beckon us today in ‘every sphere of the world’ (I have no clue what that phrase means!)

Social Media:

Today, everyone and his uncle’s grandfather are talking about Social Media. Simply put, conversations’ happening over the web is Social Media. However, just like the Communist parties of India talk about the Nuclear Deal without knowing the nitty-gritty’s of it (and neither do I) and raise a hue and cry about it, so do everyone I talk to nowadays is talking about the deep impact that Social media is having on the society today. On further enquiring what exactly is Social media, most of the people don’t seem to go beyond mentioning Facebook, Myspace, Orkut, Twitter and Friendfeed. Even if they know three out these five websites, they claim to be an authority in Social media. But as you can see, it is the ‘in’ thing to talk about – just like everyone in IT wants to work in a startup nowadays, and just like every Ramu and Pinky opened a company in the late 90s and just like every web enthusiast talks passionately about Web 2.0 in every forum they can gain entry to.

Being a Social media enthusiast myself (the ‘in’ thing to say you see!), I find it deeply disturbing (so much so that I can sleep over it for days) that people use and abuse the impact of Social media on organizations and community in general. Frankly, talking about Social media is great, but from a business point of view, monetizing the concept is extremely difficult. I would rather get down to numbers and business rather than jazzy presentations using Web 2.0 tools about Social media and its impacts that I seem to go through nowadays.

Politics:

The ‘in’ thing to talk about is the Nuclear Deal treaty. Inflation can cross 12%, the common man on the street may suffer due to rising oil prices, there might be blasts in Bangalore, Ahmedabad or any other city in India but all the media and the politicians can talk about is the Nuclear deal. Heck, talking about this deal has brought the horse-trading tactics in the open – a seemingly closely-guarded secret we all knew about all along, threatened to bring down the government (not that the government was any better all these days) and advertisers are having a field day on TV channels focused on this deal where all they talk about is ‘hot air’.

But you see, the ‘in’ thing is Nuclear Deal – it gives us a chance to appear intellectual, morally superior and we come across as knowledgeable about day-to-day affairs. Never mind that this deal will result in actual power only in 2020-25 range, never mind that more than hundred things can go wrong in US elections, and never mind the inflation which has shot through the roof (and sadly, without the corresponding hikes in salary), we have to talk about the pros and cons of Nuclear deal.

Technology:

Specifically, the iPhone. iPhone or its younger brother, iPhone 3G. I can understand the excitement in possessing an iPhone – it’s aspirational. Credit to Apple that over the past 28 years, every product it has churned out, it has turned it into a cult. Brilliant marketing. But, I just can’t understand why people cannot be rational when buying such a high value product. Just because it is aspirational, doesn’t mean I shell out close to Rs. 25k and get it unlocked for another 2-3K.

As Apple would market it, an iPhone is a combination of a phone, iPod and Internet. What’s more, iPhone 3G has in-built GPS. What Apple will not tell you (or anyone for that matter) is that GPS drastically reduces the battery life, you can’t send applications via Bluetooth, there is no MMS feature, certain basic features like cut-copy-paste are not enabled and many more. But nope, flaunting an iPhone and talking about is the ‘in’ thing – how else would I prove to be technologically advanced and up-to-date to the society if I don’t posess it or don’t talk about it.

With the explosion of Internet in India (so says Comscore in their ridiculous report with numbers where the terms ‘average’ and ‘heaviest’ mean the same), there would a corresponding increase in talking about these ‘in’ things – sad, but true. Now, that was certainly an ‘in’ thing to talk about – philosophy plus concern without any data to backup